Motherhood: Savouring & Surviving

I just want to breathe her in.
Her small head by my lips, her ever-so-soft hair against my face,
 her intoxicatingly sweet scent filling up my lungs.  
These sweet moments that I want to freeze in time - the sound her of slow breaths as she feels loved and safe enough to fall asleep - her sweet morning greetings and desire to always be close.  
“The days are long but the years are short” - they warn. “They grow up so fast! “ “Treasure these moments!”
 All wise words with thoughtful intentions but to a new mom who is drowning in all the change- they seem tiresome.  How does one enjoy the ocean’s breeze when they are struggling to stay a float;
How does one savour while they are trying to survive? 

I remember the first weeks, so desperately wanting things to be easier, for her to be less needy, for me to heal, and yet in the same breath not wanting her to grow up and feeling ever so guilty for even thinking it.

And in the midst of the crashing waves there are moments, 
moments where she is comforted by nothing more than your presence- 
where although you struggle with the lies that tell you otherwise- you are enough for her.
Moments where she responds with joy to your voice - to your silliness - moments where you see yourself and the person you love so deeply intertwined into one being.
These moments are sunshine hitting your skin as you get closer to shore. 
They are the moments that sparkle in the darkness of the cave - the moments you treasure. 
I have found in the midst of them a heart that overflows with thankfulness and yet recognition of the challenges.
I aim to find at least one moment a day I can tread water and be thankful for the miracle that she is.
Capture pictures and videos and look back to see all the change that has happened in just a few weeks. 
Pray that I would forever treasure these moments in my heart, that I would find more joy in the midst of this storm.  

And slowly at the rate of her growing body and my growing heart, I find a way to savour, to cherish - to remember. It was all the challenges - the hardships that have woven her so deeply into my heart. It was the release of my shallow expectations of what motherhood would be like in contrast to the deep well that it is. To embrace her perfect little body at the detriment of my own. To recognize how thankless and ignorant I once was of my mother’s sacrifices and yet knowing no amount of thanks could compensate. 

The truth is motherhood is often a balancing act of savouring and surviving both done in grace, one day at a time along side mothers who are doing the same . 


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